Bar Mitzvah Ref's

A semi-last minute call by my friend hooked me a gig as a part of the entertainment group at a Bar Mitzvah. My friend Bill and I set up a pitching/soccer tent with a target that allowed the kids to pitch freely in the basement of the Omni, an expensive party area across from Nassau Community College.

The boys really enjoyed being able to pitch and show off in front of their friends. We set up a radar gun on the side of the tent and kids who impressed got DVD's that we were instructed to hand out as prizes. The problem was, the radar gun was highly inaccurate, understating the speed of everyones pitches. After several relocations of the gun, the highest pitch topped off at 68, which looked like a 100+ fastball. The kids picked up on the errant numbers right away as everyone complained that they threw a lot faster than 25 miles per hour. Everyone had something to prove.

As kids played with the radar gun, tackled their friends inside the cage, went through our equipment behind the steps, backed into the way of ongoing fastballs, and ran in front of their friends as soccer balls were being kicked, we were lucky that no one got hurt. The girls sought some interest in the games but they didn't hang onto the sports nearly as long as the boys. It was a little humorous that the boys seemed incapable of not interrupting their friends as they kicked a soccer ball but when the girls got their shots, everyone stood back and watched like polite little boys with some sense of control.

Some of the kids were just plain crazy.

One little boy who, throughout most of the night, was playing a basketball shooting contest and kept backing up right into the middle of the cage as people were pitching. He didn't seem to mind. When we switched to soccer, he wanted to be goalie and took some pretty hard shots to the gut. He's lucky he was pudgy.

One kid kept dry-humping mid air. You heard me right. In his pink shirt, I thought it was best to forewarn him that if he acts like that in college, with his feminine-colored shirt, people are going to get the wrong impression. He did it once or twice more then reluctantly stopped for the sake of everyone around him.

Another kid thought he was the sh*t. Isn't there one in every group? He kept matching up his fastball readings with that of a father who pitched earlier saying he wanted a DVD for tying the fathers record. He needed to be reminded that there is a difference between pitching in a contest, and matching someones numbers when everyone's just playing around. That father ended up with the highest score all night after we figured out the best way to position the radar. Turns out he played college ball and was very good. Don't recall the name of the school.

As the day neared its end, we heard a shocking story that one grownup tried to stab another in the dining area, right down the hall from where we were. No doubt there was alcohol involved. Luckily, no one was hurt.

My friend Bill and I left with our arms still attached to their sockets, and a nice complimentary picture from the other friendly entertainment group at the Bar Mitzvah.